


Evil Geniuses

by CinnamonStyx



Category: DCU
Genre: Arguing, Comedy, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Humor, Supervillains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 22:29:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19118983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CinnamonStyx/pseuds/CinnamonStyx
Summary: Lex Luthor brings together the greatest criminal geniuses on earth to bring down the Justice League once and for all. The result; lots and lots of arguing.





	Evil Geniuses

**Author's Note:**

> This is a pretty silly, dialogue-heavy story. Don't know how it turned out, it's kinda just a goofy idea I came up with and just wrote out. It was originally supposed to be a lot shorter but it ended up being much longer than anticipated. It was certainly fun to write, so I hope whoever reads this gets a kick out of it too.

**Meeting #1**  
Deep below Lexcorp's Metropolis headquarters, in an area of the building only a select few knew about or had access to, Lex Luthor was waiting. He was seated in a secluded room surrounding by dozens of monitors on nearly every wall around him. Luthor knew it was excessive, but he enjoyed the aesthetic.

"Where are they?" Luthor thought aloud. "It's nearly time."

Only just moments after saying this, three of the monitors around Lex flickered to life. First Luthor saw the hideous face of Professor Ivo, then the only slightly less hideous face of Dr. Sivana, and finally the actually rather handsome face of T.O. Morrow.

"Ah, gentlemen, there you are. Just when I was starting to worry." Luthor smiled. "Where are the others?"

"Oh, I'm sure they're just fashionably late Mr. Luthor." Morrow replied.

"Yes, I suggest we go ahead with our meeting without them." Sivana added.

"I second that notion." Ivo agreed.

"Just one moment gentlemen I see more people connecting." Luthor held up a hand to signal he wanted them to stop talking. He looked at four more monitors as they turned on.

The first monitor displayed the half-human half-animal known as Cheetah, the second showed the information broker known as the Calculator dressed up in a garish black bodysuit, the third showed a pale-faced man with equally white hair known only as the Key, and the final monitor displayed a bald bearded man named Professor Hugo Strange.

"Is this everyone?" Cheetah asked.

"Not yet, but we've all agreed to move forward without everyone for now." Luthor replied. "Now, gentlemen, and Ms. Minerva, we are some of the most intelligent people on the planet. With our combined intellects, we could take down all our enem-"

"I'm sorry to interrupt but what's with Calculator's outfit?" Morrow raised a hand like he was asking a question in class. "I thought he stopped wearing that."

"I wear it on special occasions. And I happen to think this suit isn't as bad as everyone says." Calculator explained.

"Now, if we may continue…" Lex Luthor looked back and forth between all the monitors.

"I have a question too actually." Professor Strange spoke up. "The man with the white hair, who is he?"

"Hmm, he has a good point. I don't quite recognize him either." Ivo nodded.

"Allow me to introduce myself." said the Key. "You may call me the Key, I used to work with Intergang and I nearly singlehandedly took out the Justice League."

"And how does that make you a genius?" Dr. Sivana asked.

"I've developed special _psycho-chemicals_ that increase my intellectual capacity." the Key explained. "I have _ten_ senses instead of the usual six you all have and unlike most people, I use one hundred percent of my brain."

The group of other supervillains fell silent after the Key's claim. All the faces in the room seemed shocked or angry.

"What's the matter?" the Key asked.

"This guy's full of shit." Cheetah abruptly stated.

"Language! My children are in the room!" Dr. Sivana yelled.

"Cheetah's right." Calculator nodded. "Luthor, this man believes in that _'ten percent of your brain'_ myth. Can we kick him out?"

"I'd like that too." Strange agreed.

"How dare you." the Key frowned. "If we're going to be removing people from this group I want that Cat-Woman gone too."

"It's _Cheetah_. I have nothing to do with that Bat-loving burglar." Cheetah stated. "By the way, Key, I take great offence to the fact that you think the one woman in this group isn't qualified."

"Now hold on, I think the Key may be right." Ivo interjected. "What exactly are your skills, Cheetah?"

"I'm an archeologist!" Cheetah said, getting angrier. "Well, I was an archeologist before I become a woman-cheetah."

"Don't mean to derail the topic, but if we're choosing who we want to kick out I'd like to get rid of Morrow." Calculator spoke up.

"What?!" Morrow exclaimed.

"Several of your robots became superheroes." Calculator explained. "Red Tornado, Tomorrow Woman-"

"I can build robots with free will. I think that makes me pretty smart actually." Morrow crossed his arms.

"All of you, shut up!" Luthor yelled. "This is getting ridiculous; we're supposed to be criminal geniuses. Not bickering children."

"My sincerest apologies." Cheetah replied. "But can we please kick out the Key? He's clearly a moron."

"I use one hundred percent of my brain!" roared the Key.

"Please ban him, Luthor." Ivo said. "Morrow too."

"I'm not banning Morrow." Luthor looked up at the Key's screen. "But Mr. Key on the other hand…"

Luthor went to the keyboard in front of him and typed something in.

"Wait a minute, you can't ban-"

The Key's screen went blank. The meeting went silent, as if they were expecting the Key to dramatically burst back in.

"So can we get back on topic?" Professor Strange asked.

"Thank you Hugo, let's do that." Luthor nodded. "Now- Oh, one moment we have more people joining."

Four more screens lit up around Luthor.

"Let's pray you invited people who are smarter than the Key." Cheetah remarked.

Luthor looked at the new faces on the screen. First he saw Doris Zuel, also called Giganta, looking back at him from a monitor, after that he saw the overweight bespectacled man named Toyman, on the monitor next to him was a well put together woman in a red dress known to most as Roulette, and the final new face Luthor saw was the burlap-clad man named Jonathan Crane, or otherwise known as the Scarecrow.

"Ah, it looks like everyone's here." Calculator remarked.

"I'm sorry, I know I just got here, but why is Toyman part of our group?" Giganta asked.

"Oh, you think my mechanical toys just build themselves?" Toyman crossed his arms. "By the way, I could ask you the same thing, Giganta? How does growing large make you eligible for our group?"

"I'm not _just_ Giganta. I am _Doctor_ Doris Zuel." Giganta replied.

"That's enough, both of you!" Luthor shouted. "I just went through this a minute ago, we are all reasonable adults. And now that all of us are here, we can get down to business."

"Thank you for talking some sense, Luthor." Scarecrow remarked.

"Don't be such an ass-kisser, Scarecrow." Cheetah rolled her eyes.

"What did I say about the language?" Dr. Sivana scolded her.

"Hold on a moment, weren't there supposed to be twelve of us?" Roulette asked.

"Oh, yes, we kicked out the Key. He didn't seem as smart as advertised." Luthor explained. "But now that we're all here…"

"Actually we're not _all_ here." Scarecrow spoke up.

"What do you mean?" Calculator asked.

"Yes, this is everybody I invited." Luthor added.

"Explain yourself, Scarecrow." Ivo said.

"Well, you see, when I heard about this little meeting I thought I'd spread the word among some friends of mine." Scarecrow explained.

Almost instantaneously, everyone in the group began shouting over each other with strongly worded complaints directed at Scarecrow. Of course, all the voices speaking at the same time prevented Scarecrow from actually hearing anything at all.

All Scarecrow could do throughout everyone chastising him was yell _"What did I do?!"_ back at them. Of course, nobody could hear him. Eventually, most of the yelling subsided, letting Scarecrow get a proper response back.

"Can someone explain to me what the problem is?" Scarecrow requested.

"You Gotham criminals, you have a reputation for being eccentric." Roulette replied. "As a businesswoman, I know that too much eccentricity is bad for business."

"Please, Roulette." Scarecrow scoffed. "You host deathmatches between heroes, I hardly think that makes you an expert. In fact, why is she here?"

"I was wondering the same thing." Toyman added.

"I'm still wondering the same thing about _you_." Giganta rolled her eyes.

"Focus, people! Focus!" at this point, Lex Luthor was starting to lose his patience.

"Luthor's right." Morrow said. "The point is, Scarecrow. Your friends are insane. And we do not want to associate from them."

"Yes, I barred Dr. Psycho from this meeting for similar reasons." Lex nodded.

"I hate to be unpopular, but who exactly did Scarecrow invite?" Professor Strange asked. "I've operated out of Gotham myself, and there are many likeminded geniuses in the city who might be able to help us."

"Seems that we're going to find out." Lex Luthor replied. "There are a few more people joining our conference right now…"

Three more screens around Luthor lit up. The first Luthor saw displayed the green-clad man known as the Riddler, the second showed a woman covered in plants who went by Poison Ivy, and the final one showed a man in a green suit and a top hat named the Mad Hatter.

"Question: Who is the smartest person in this room?" the Riddler rhetorically asked. "Answer: Me."

"Son of a bitch, not him!" Calculator exclaimed.

"How many times do I have to repeat myself?" Sivana asked. "Watch the language."

"Can we kick _all of them_ out? Please?" Morrow requested.

"I agree. All in favor say ' _Aye_ '." Toyman said.

"Now just a minute, what about our presence had got you all in a tizzy?" Mad Hatter asked.

"We're just as genius as the rest of you." Poison Ivy nodded.

"Why are you even here, Isley?" Morrow asked. "I haven't been to Gotham in a while, but isn't our whole thing hating humans?"

"Yes, Morrow's right. I excluded Gorilla Grodd from our gathering because of his primate supremacy agenda." Luthor added.

"Oh, that whole genocide thing is big picture stuff." Poison Ivy claimed. "As an expert in the fields of chemistry and botany, I could be a vital asset to your group."

"Alright, she's won me over." Morrow remarked. "But I still want Riddler and weird hat guy out of here."

"And what exactly is the problem with us?" Riddler asked.

"My mind control hats could be a great addition to this team!" Mad Hatter declared.

"Fine, he might have a point. But how's the fellow in the green suit supposed to help?" Ivo asked.

"My name is the Riddler. And I'm the smartest man in Gotham." the Riddler reiterated.

"Well, that's funny, because _I'm_ in Gotham right now." Calculator remarked.

"Oh shut up, at least my costume looks good." Riddler replied.

"Again with the costume. Ugh! I knew I should have gotten rid of it…" Calculator grumbled.

"You know what, I'll allow this." Luthor said. "Hatter and Riddler might actually have something to offer."

"Oh, thank you most graciously, Mr. Walrus." Mad Hatter removed his hat and bowed.

"Walrus?" Luthor repeated. "Do I look like a walrus?"

"No, you're more of a Mock Turtle on second glance." Mad Hatter put his hat back on. "Toyman up there, he's a walrus. Oh, and Roulette shall be the Queen of Hearts."

"Hmm, I like him already." Roulette smiled.

"I can't believe we're actually… Ugh, oh fine." Giganta rolled her eyes. "Luthor's right, this could be interesting."

"I'm fine with this too." Cheetah nodded. "But if it turns out Scarecrow invited that mad butcher Professor Pyg or that giggling psychopath Harley Quinn to this meeting, I will quit. I swear, it feels like anyone can get in."

"I did no such thing." Scarecrow remarked. "Quinn's too far off the deep end and I don't think Pyg is even a real professor."

"Hey! When she's feeling lucid, Harleen is an amazing psychiatrist." Poison Ivy argued.

"I'd have to agree with Ms. Isley." Professor Strange nodded. "I've studied the minds of several Arkham patients and, on occasion, Ms. Quinzel provided some interesting psychiatric insight."

"I see. And how often is she… _Lucid_ , as Ivy said?" Professor Ivo asked.

"No very often…" Poison Ivy admitted. "But perhaps-"

"Alright, well, I think I've had enough of this nonsense for one day." Luthor interrupted. "I've got important Lexcorp duties to tend to. That'll be the end of our meeting for now. Our membership is now final. We will not be removing anyone else from our group."

"Now hold on, we don't even have a good name for ourselves yet." Dr. Sivana pointed out.

"Ugh, fine, we're the… Oh, I don't know, the _Injustice Club_." Luthor suggested.

"Oh my god, that's an awful name." Cheetah remarked. " _Syndicate, Foundation, Brotherhood,_ even _Gang_. Those are titles I can get behind. But Club? Are we gonna meet up in a little treehouse? Maybe Riddler's mommy can make us some Rice Krispy squares."

"I could go for a couple of those…" Toyman muttered.

"We're the Injustice Club and that's final! We meet again tomorrow morning. Good day!" Luthor pressed a button the console in front of him, shutting off all the monitors around him.

For a moment he just sat in the empty dark room with his thoughts. Luthor grabbed his head and sighed, looking at the floor.

"If those were the smartest criminals in the world, then I think I just might be doomed."

*******

**Meeting #2**  
Luthor had high hopes for the second meeting of the Injustice Club. He had sat down back in his monitor room with a warm cup of coffee in hand. He pressed the power button on the console and thirteen monitors lit up, displaying the faces of the members of Luthor's newest group.

"Ah, so glad you could all make it." Luthor took a sip of his coffee. "Injustice Club meeting number two is now in session. First order of business-"

"Could we change that name?" Calculator asked. "Cheetah was right, it sounds kind of… _Lame_ , for lack of a better word."

"Fine, does anyone have a suggestion better than Injustice Club?" Luthor asked. "I don't like reusing names so Injustice League and Legion of Doom are all off the table."

"Oh, how about… We're the _Coalition of Dread_." Strange suggested.

"Too similar to Legion of Doom." Luthor shook his head.

"Hmm… I liked the dread thing. How about we're the _Dread Squadron_?" Dr. Sivana offered.

"I don't like it, too militaristic." Poison Ivy said. "How about we're _Team Injustice_?"

"That still sounds too corny." Cheetah replied. "At least it's not as bad as _Club_."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we're wasting time here. We should focus on the real important stuff not what we're called." Luthor said.

"Are we _Team Injustice_ or the _Injustice Club_ though?" Morrow asked.

"Fine, we're _Team Injustice_ now. Is everyone happy?" Luthor scowled.

"Yes, I quite like the name." Roulette nodded.

"Let's focus, people." Luthor said. "I have an agenda planned. But I got an email from Professor Ivo before this started. He had a few things he wanted us to discuss."

"Ah, yes, thank you Luthor." Ivo smiled. "I was hoping we could expand our membership. Personally, I think we spent too much of the last meeting talking about who we _shouldn't_ allow in our group instead of who we _should_ let in."

"Are you sure? We already have quite a few people." Giganta said.

"Well I think it's an excellent idea!" Riddler declared. "Who do you think our group could need?"

"I'm with Riddler and Ivo." Dr. Sivana agreed. "What about Ultra-Humanite? You've worked with him before, Luthor. Haven't you?"

"Ultra-Humanite… Which one is he? Is he the French gorilla or the Albino gorilla?" Cheetah asked.

"The Albino. And he's not really a gorilla. That's just where he's chosen to implant his brain." Luthor replied. "Unfortunately, he was in prison the last time I checked. Although… Cheetah, you gave me a great idea. We should bring in Monsieur Mallah and the Brain into our operation."

"An excellent idea." Professor Strange agreed. "I too have a suggestion for a new member, by the way. How many of you have heard of Bane? Superhuman strength, highly intelligent, broke Batman's back that one time. I worked with him once. Does this ring any bells?"

"No, no, no, no! I do not want to work with that man!" Mad Hatter protested. "He's a control freak who thinks he's better than everyone else! Mark my words, he'll make himself leader of this organization."

"Control freak? Aren't you the one who builds mind control hats?" Calculator pointed out.

"I'll consider Bane too." Luthor said, ignoring Mad Hatter's protests. "Strange is right, the man clearly knows what he's doing. Alright, anyone else or can we move on?"

"I would once again like to nominate Harleen Quinzel for this group." Poison Ivy stated.

"We went over this last time. No." Luthor told her. "She's crazy."

"Harley is a brilliant young woman who just needs a little helping hand." Poison Ivy continued.

"Still not happening." Luthor said. "And go back to being a misanthrope, seeing you have emotions is strange. Okay, anyone else or can we move on?"

"Nobody say anything, I'd like to move on as well." Dr. Sivana said.

"Thank you." Luthor looked around at the monitors. "Now, first order of business, we can't keep video chatting forever. Some heroic tech expert like Oracle might be able to spy on us. Does anyone have suggestions for where we can meet?"

"What about the old Legion of Doom hideout?" Scarecrow asked. "The one in the swamp. Looks like a giant helmet, remember?"

"Oh, yes, that thing. I think I left it in Louisiana… Or was it Florida…" Luthor trailed off. "Either way that thing's probably been flooded by now. So it's out of the picture."

"I have a place!" Riddler volunteered, sticking up a hand like he was in a class. "It's secluded, large, and most importantly it has electricity."

"Excellent, I like the sound of this a lot." Morrow said.

"But to find it; you must solve a series of riddles!" Riddler announced.

"Oh, fuck you, Nygma!" Cheetah blurted out. "Honestly! Always with the puzzles!"

There was another pause in the dialogue, like everyone was waiting for something.

"Hey Sivana, aren't you gonna tell me to watch my language again?" Cheetah asked.

"No, Georgia and Junior are busy right now." Sivana replied. "By the way, Luthor, I have a laboratory we could use for a headquarters. Fawcett City isn't too out of the way for you all, is it?"

"It doesn't matter, I have teleporters." Luthor said. "Sivana, I'll take your idea into account. Anyone else have a place we can stay?"

"I happen to operate out of a gorgeous abandoned botanical garden." Poison Ivy offered.

"I'm not going any place where you can kill us easily, Ivy." Professor Ivo remarked.

"Well, my casino, _the House_ , it also has a room that could function as a meeting spot." Roulette suggested. "We'd have catering, entertainment, everything. Doesn't that sound fun?"

"Ah, now I remember why I hired you. You're rich." Luthor smiled. "Alright, everyone. I'm cutting this meeting short."

"Why is that?" Calculator asked.

"I'm worried we're being watched. Call me paranoid, but I'd rather avoid prison." Luthor explained. "We'll meet at the House in three day's time. Then _Team Injustice_ can really get started."

"Can we go back to being the _Injustice Club_?" Mad Hatter asked. "I liked that one better."

"I'm signing off now. Goodbye." without another word, Luthor shut off the monitors. Smiling, Lex leaned back in his chair and looked at the now blank wall of monitors. "Just need to iron out a few bumps. Then we'll be the perfect, well oiled, fighting machine we need to be."

*******

**Meeting #3**  
In an undisclosed, underground casino somewhere beneath the Nevada desert, Team Injustice (Or was it the Injustice Club) had set up a spot to have a meeting. Roulette gave them access to a room with a large conference room style table in the middle of it.

Every member of the established team of supposed geniuses was gathered at the table with Lex Luthor at the head of it.

"Ladies and gentlemen." Luthor stood up from his chair and looked around the table. "Welcome, to our biggest meeting yet. Before we start I would…" he stopped himself when he spotted Hugo Strange raising his hand. "What is it, Strange?"

"I know it's a bit late, but you know who I just realized would be an excellent addition to our little group?" Strange said. "Psimon, from the Fearsome Five. He's got an enhanced intellect."

"I'll add him to the list, next to Brain, Mallah, and Bane." Luthor replied. "Now please, don't interrupt me."

"Sorry about that, let's continue." Strange said.

"Thank you…" Luthor trailed off, trying to remember where he was. "Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen. Today we'll go over our strengths and weaknesses. We'll combine together and take down our greatest enemies once and for all." he looked around the room one last time. "So, what do we all bring to the table?"

"I have an android that steals superpowers." Professor Ivo spoke up.

"Ah yes, Amazo. Is he functional?" Luthor asked.

"Most certainly." Professor Ivo nodded.

"Hey Ivo, I've always wondered something about that android of yours." Giganta spoke up. "Why did you give it the elf ears?"

"I thought it was a good design. It evokes the image of an all-power Djinn." Ivo explained. "Why does everyone ask about this?"

"It just seems like a weird design for a robot." Cheetah said.

"Son of a bitch… Why has it gone to hell so fast…" Luthor sighed, cleared his throat, and then raised his voice again. "Ladies and gentlemen, let's focus. Professor Ivo, you Amazo android is an excellent addition. Anyone else have a contribution?"

"I've built _many_ robots. All more advanced than Amazo." Morrow stated.

"We've been over this, Morrow. Your robots seem to have a tendency to not do what you tell them." Luthor pointed out.

"I can't help it if they're advanced machines." Morrow replied.

"I know how to make fear gas. Can we use that?" Scarecrow asked.

"Seems unreliable. It runs the risk of affecting members of our group as well." Luthor told him. "Well, unless we get gas masks… Do we have the budget for gas masks?"

"Budget? Luthor, you run a multi-million dollar company. Of course, you have enough money." Calculator told him.

"I can't just pour it all into my supervillainy, people would get suspicious." Luthor replied.

"Luthor, there are a lot of us here." Morrow pointed out. "I feel like this will take a lot of time to go around the room. Isn't there a faster way to go over our assets."

"Hmm…" Luthor trailed off for a moment. "Roulette, you have servants here don't you?"

" _Employees_ , Lex. I'm not an empress. And yes, I do have them." Roulette replied.

"Good." Luthor smiled. "Tell your employees to hand out paper and pencils to everyone in the Injustice Club, er, on _Team Injustice_. We'll have everyone write down their assets and I'll go over it all later."

"The longer I'm part of this team the more I feel like I'm back in high school again." Giganta remarked. "I swear; it feels like I've just been given an assignment."

"All of you be quiet, I think it's a lovely idea." Roulette replied. "I'll have some of my employees bring us pens and paper. Let me just get my ear-communicator online…"

"Thank you for being so cooperative, Roulette." Luthor said. "I'll step outside for a moment while you all write down this stuff. I saw a vending machine in the hall. Does anyone want anything? Water? Soda? Juice?"

"Do they have tea?" Mad Hatter asked, grinning.

"Iced tea maybe." Luthor replied.

"In that case, no thank you." Mad Hatter said. "I only like mine hot."

Luthor got up from his chair and without another word, he left the meeting. As he made his way down the hall he noticed a man in a nice suit carrying pens and paper going towards the room he'd just left. Ignoring that, Lex stopped in front of the vending machine he'd been looking for. He looked over all the options available on the machine.

"Hmm, Roulette certainly has a nice place." Luthor muttered to herself. "Wonder where she got all the money…"

"Inherited is what I hear."

Luthor whirled around to his side and saw Toyman standing right next to him.

"Good god, man!" Luthor exclaimed. "Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"My most sincere apologies, Luthor." Toyman replied. "I've just decided I'd like some soda too."

"Hmm, well, I'll be getting mine first." Luthor dug into his pocket in search of cash.

"Luthor, I've been wondering one thing." Toyman began. "Why did you choose me? The only person who ever really wants to work with me is the Prankster."

"It was mostly an honour thing. I enjoyed working with you, Cheetah, and Scarecrow when the original Legion of Doom was still together." Luthor explained while inserting his money into the vending machine. "So I thought it was only fair to invite you back here. I never liked Riddler though, I specifically tried to not invite him."

"I don't think I was ever part of the Legion of Doom, Lex. You must have been thinking of the other Toyman."

"The only other Toyman I know is that Japanese kid and he's not- Oh, wait, yes, I remember… The jester hat guy. _Jack_ , that was his name… Whatever happened to him?"

"I think I killed him."

Luthor was caught off guard for a moment, but he quickly regained his composure and punched in a code on the vending machine.

"I see…" Luthor trailed off.

"Do you have high hopes for the Injustice Club, Mr. Luthor?"

Luthor bent down and retrieved his can of soda from the vending machine. "I certainly have high hopes. And I think we're supposed to be Team Injustice. Anyway, you all certainly aren't living up to those hopes. Enjoy your soda, Winslow."

Lex Luthor turned around and opened up his beverage. He slowly walked back towards the room Roulette had secured for them. When Luthor had first constructed this new team, it was meant to be the brightest criminal geniuses on Earth. But for the past several days all Luthor had known was bickering. Grimacing, Lex drank another sip of his sweet drink and opened the door; now ready to face what was supposed to be the worlds greatest criminal minds. He chuckled and smirked when he saw the supervillains hard at work writing on the paper provided for them.

"So everyone how's your little _assignment_ going?"

**The End**


End file.
